On Forgiveness

 

On Forgiveness

Prior to the meeting and dialogue between my intern, Chad Davis, former police officer Greg Nash and myself, I had prepared to answer an array of questions about what the Guilford College Higher Education in Prison Initiative is. I was prepared to defend statistics, research, evidence and even my compassion. I was prepared to be strong, and to defend the very morals that surround my integrity around this program’s purpose.

To a small extent the conversation explored dynamics of the initiative but more so, it developed into themes of very real human emotion and condition.

Compassion.

Fear.

Skepticism.

Hope.

Greg came to speak about his personal stories, insights, and interactions with people while he was a police officer and did so with poignant, powerful conviction.

There was a point in one of his stories about a nineteen year old boy when I noticed a dissonance. Sitting there, I saw a man conflicted with compassion to want to see those in prison flower; transform through education. Yet a soft skepticism was apparent in his eyes and bowed head when he recalled the story of how he had tried so much to help so many young men just to see them continue to make the same poor choices.  

He questioned themes of worthiness, punishment and forgiveness towards those who have committed acts that he personally found to be unforgiveable.

Many arguments he raised were sound opinions that have been expressed in several forums against providing higher education to incarcerated persons. I found it compelling to hear these arguments in a different tone, with a softer but nonetheless strong sentiment. They were not just ignorant statements; they were real emotions expressing a desire for hope and compassion for rehabilitation for victims and offenders but skepticism and hesitation towards a holistic process of transformation, reintegration and forgiveness.

In my developments a comprehensive understanding of victims, offenders and the community’s perceptions of this initiative has been a strong driving force to its blossoming. This initiative’s main objective is to provide an education to those incarcerated although I am convinced that a greater culmination of transformation will transpire.

In order to heal; as a victim, an individual, an offender, a society: in order to restore victim-offender crimes and social ills that often-time provide systemic foundations to crime, it is with great importance and care to hear varying degrees of perspectives and work towards reconciliation and reparations…towards forgiveness.

For the rest of the day after the interview, questions of forgiveness and redemption stuck in my head.

To be sure, forgiveness is a very complex matter, and “just forgiving” can’t be tantamount simply to extending forgiveness in response to an offender’s confession; nor can “just forgiving” be tantamount to a victim’s generous offer of mercy to an unapologetic offender. There are many moving stories of offenders seeking and finding forgiveness in the course of truth and reconciliation proceedings, and there are profound stories of victims unilaterally forgiving their unremorseful, unrepentant, unmoved offenders. While some of these very one-sided stories eventually reach good outcomes, many are left unfinished and unresolved. However, even when incomplete, one-sided forgiveness seems better than no-forgiveness at all. Forgiving someone seems to open a tiny crack in the wall of human indifference, injustice, and violence that lets the light of redemption get in – even if the offender turns away.

What I am realizing more and more through stories, in myself and providing transformation through restorative justice by such practices as education is that forgiveness is not an entitlement or something we may or may not deserve-it is only a gift that you or I can give. Forgiving is offering that gift in response to people who directly or indirectly offend, insult, or injure us, so that we and they might find redemption and that our bruised and broken relationships might one day be restored, in ourselves and our communities.

I am grateful to Greg and those willing to share their stories; for allowing the opportunity to hear truthful convictions of the heart. It helps to conceptualize the very real fears and apprehensions people have when trust, in any relationship is broken, and how the road to redemption, reparation and forgiveness may be sought but is not one that is easily traveled.

Yet, necessary for healing.

 

Letter of Apology

I apologize to my victims and my family because my criminal behavior changed their lives unfairly forever.

To the victim(s) of my crime(s)

As I sit down to write my apology I find myself overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and uncertainty. I must admit that when I was first incarcerated I felt sorrier because I was caught than I was about what I had done. I truly did not connect with the pain that I had caused my victims.

While sitting in maximum security, a man that was assisting my lawyer with my defense came to see me. He had been interviewing my family and what he found out about my mother’s death shook me to my core. My mother died when I was 7 years old. I was told that she had died from cancer.

So, I grew up believing that my mother died from cancer. My visitor told me that some members of my family believed that my mother may have been murdered, I became very angry. I wanted to know why my family had never told me this. When I called home my grandmother told me that she was sorry for not telling me but because of my fragile mental state after my mother’s death they(my family) thought it would be best not to tell me until I was older. As I got older she said that the timing was never right.

My grandmother went on to tell me that a man that I had known all of my life as “Uncle Sonny”, may have killed my mother. I was so angry that I wanted to kill him because he had taken my mother away from my brother, sister, and me.

Later that night when I was alone in my cell it hit me. The rage that I felt, the anger I felt, the loneliness I felt, all of the emotions I felt made me cry uncontrollable. All of the days as a child, that I had wished God would wake my mother up and send her home to me came flooding back. I knew then that my victims must have been feeling the same way. I knew then that I had become like that piece of garbage that took my mother away. I knew then that my victims must think the same of me.

I wish that I would have never committed my crimes that caused so much pain to so many and for that I am truly, truly sorry.

I pray that my apology gives my victims some comfort in knowing that I accept full responsibility for my actions. In addition, I reject the criminal lifestyle that poisoned my mind.

Therefore, with that being said, let me ask you now to forgive me for the pain that I have caused you. If I could I would not hesitate to take this back and I will never ever do anything like this again.

To my Family

I apologize to my ex-wife, children, parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins for the hurt, pain, shame, and embarrassment that I caused all of you through my criminal behavior.

There are no words strong enough to express how regretful I am for committing my crimes. My behavior was inexcusable and totally contrary to the way I was raised.

I can only hope that one day I live up to the expectations you have of me.

Please forgive me.

Meeting Day

Meeting Day
December 21, 2012   


There are moments in our lives that will forever leave their footprints embedded in our memory. Visions of no particular significance to others than yourself; or to more than we recognize.

Suspended in time. Never changing but forever changing the being within us.

For me, the day was bitter cold. The wind beat the breath from my words. It was so forceful; one might think it was pushing me; holding me back from where I longed to be.

I can confidently say, many don't long to be inside a prison.

But this is the day I have worked for. A meeting. An opportunity to articulate through words the plight my heart has gone through to advocate for those incarcerated to have the opportunity to achieve an education.

I do not think my heart has beat any faster or harder than on that morning. I could feel my footsteps in my shoes but only feel my heart through the rest of my body.

I looked ahead and saw the American flag; symbolic freedom.

I looked ahead and saw concrete poised in bleak defiance; a guard towered within its stone wall, stood picturesque at his post

I looked ahead and saw the quintessential fence; an infinite iron guard bound by razor wire. A reminder that upon passage all dreams are deferred; a labyrinth where souls separate; the time served is merely a hurry up and wait.

Where displacement begins to feel like home.

The razor wire reflected the sun on that cold day. An ironic reminder, of what light can do to the most dismal circumstance.

Closer still. My mouth was dry. My eyes were wet; by the bitter wind that showed no mercy or the heavy anticipation, I have yet to decipher.

Inside, the facility was no warmer.

There were no smiles to greet you at the door or cheerful hellos.

The keepers and the kept displayed the same disposition; dutiful and irritated complacency.

The walls spoke an institutional beige

The floors an eerie, shiny clean; mirroring the fears and faults in the bowed faces of its trespassers.

My colleague and I stood waiting; anxious to meet, and collaborate our long awaited efforts with the Man in charge. The superintendent in charge of the facility met us after we passed through metal detectors, a pat down and inspection of our personal belongings. We shook hands and exchanged introductions. We were led down a corridor, again after showing identification two other times.

It was quieter than I expected. Only the soft humming of fluorescent lights and the wind howling against the windows.

There was small talk to fill the awkward walk and silence.

"So how was the drive...?"

"Greensboro huh...?"

Past office cubicles and doubtful looks of wonderment

we reached the meeting room.

Here was the moment I had been preparing for.

Reviewing notes, conversations, emails, letters

Reflecting to the stories of men and women and their families

Harboring sadness and fire to make smooth a dent the gavel of justice left in its wake

In my own way; to fight for reformation, transformation, reconciliation, education

The dialogue which occurred was draining. There were points, I felt that he only wanted to argue as to why it was impossible, regardless of the research, regardless of the ready professors wanting to drive an hour to teach, a willing academic and rigorous institution, funding and any and everything in between.

He sat stoic, back in his seat, arms crossed, looking dead at us for almost thirty minutes of what seemed like a losing negotiation.

Then something changed.

He relaxed, grabbed a pen and paper and started to take notes, asking us questions.

He seemed to come alive in the description of courses such as Restorative Justice and Community Problem Solving.

What was the particular phrase, or word? What reached in and touched him to open up and see our dedicated intent?

Maybe I will never quite know. Or maybe I already do. We did not shake under pressure; under scrutiny. We shook his hand, smiled and looked him in his eyes, and when we wanted to cower in the presence of intimidation (intentional or not) didn't.

I remembered who this was for. This was not a time for me to be afraid in my uncomfortableness. This was not about me, and it will never be just about me. It's about the people who need my help in anyway I can give.

After an hour more of speaking of the logistics of the initiative, we were given a tour of the possible classroom. On the way through the corridor, to the right there was a board with pictures of men wearing their caps and gowns, having attained their G.E.D's. The smiles in those pictures were the only ones I saw that day.

Education is transformative bringing light to the darkest places, empowering the person deemed voiceless with words strong, loud and brilliant.

I had the opportunity to speak with one of the incarcerated men sitting in the classroom. (Whom, configured the data system for the technological backup!)

At the end of our short conversation, he thanked us for our efforts and expressed extreme interest in enrolling if the site is approved. He left us with this:

"In prison, in life too, but especially in prison, you need two things: God and an education. One for the soul, the other for the mind. The two places they can never lock-up."

I left that day, more anxious than when I arrived, believing more in something I thought I could believe no stronger in.

The wind met us at the door again and

In the impoverished glow of cold times; like the sunbeams through the panes in December I felt the heavy reminder of brightness, luminous hope...

warmth, compassion and love.

And we keep moving forward.

Wellsprings

Wellsprings  

  
Plow ignorance from its roots to sow seeds of transformation.

Bloom of aspirations; hold your head up enough to see the sky and feel the breeze kiss your lips. renewing caged words, written across the heart

Warmth is the nourishment; weathering the blunders of your heavy heart of time and its terms

Do not lay subdued in the capture.

Lift your head higher and kiss the sky with knowledge and imagination: it is only simple bone, blood and flesh they keep.

I speak with breath that is true; there are ones that keep on fighting. Empathetic to your plight, of Oppression and culturally deprived minds.

Those who are foot soldiers for reform; the peacekeeper in chaos.

Allow yourself to be deserving of your dreams, fill the air with light and fire and ideas, these cannot be arrested.

And in solidarity, the stance is strong to educate and erradicate the callousness of injustice

Know that inside, your mind strengthens beyond the bars that confine you.

On the outside your life will be lived in the years your children learn of your struggles, demons and the myths of social darkness

That sacrifice made of humanity, to be numbered; to count the tic tic ticking of your youth building a home in your memory

will not be in vain

For eyes that are forgiving, acknowledge who sings the song of heart for reconciliation against those who air the dust to dirty the panes....

for peace in chaos

　

(Fellow contributor to this piece is Veteran United States Coast Guard, Good Conduct Award Recepient and current Communications major at University of North Carolina at Greensboro (UNCG), Chad Davis. Mr. Davis is currently an intern through a consortium with UNCG and the Higher Education in Prison Initiative at Guilford College.)









 

Prison Letter

 

Sometimes I cannot find the right words to convey the deep emotions I have reading their words...

....I only hope one is touched as deeply

 

 

Prison Letter

 

M.A. Jones

 

 

You ask what it's like in here but there are no words for it.

I answer difficult, painful, that men die hearing their own voices. That answer isn't right though I tell you now

that prison is a room

where a man waits with his nerves

drawn tight as barbed wire, an afternoon

that continues for months, that rises

around his legs like water

until the man is insane

and thinks the afternoon is a lake:

blue water, whitecaps, an island

where he lies under pale sunlight, one

red gardenia growing from his hand-

 

But that's nor right either. There are no

flowers in these cells, no water

and I hold nothing in my hands

but feare, what lives

in the absence of light, emptying

from my body to fill the large darkness

rising like water up my legs:

 

It rises and there are no words for it

though I look for them, and turn

on light and watch it

fall like an open yellow shirt

over black water, the light holding

against the dark for just

an instant: against what trembles

in my throat, a particular fear

a word I have no words for.

 

Arizona State Prison-Perryville

Buckeye, Arizona



Prisoner Abuse in NC prison

Update: Prison warden suspended amid hot sauce abuse report

2012-12-04T17:58:58 Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Updated 05:58PM

By Michael Biesecker

The Associated Press

 

/

RALEIGH (AP) — The warden of a state prison has been suspended pending the outcome of an investigation into allegations that inmates were forced to rub hot sauce on their genitals, officials said Tuesday.

Department of Public Safety spokeswoman Pamela Walker said today that Sampson Correctional Institution administrator Lafayette Hall has been placed on paid leave while the State Bureau of Investigation reviews what happened at the Clinton facility. A correctional officer, David P. Jones, has also been put on leave, officials said.

“I have zero tolerance for unprofessional conduct by any state employee,” Gov. Bev Perdue said Tuesday. “I have directed the Department of Public Safety to cooperate fully with the SBI review of the allegations and to take appropriate action if these allegations prove to be true.”

In July, six inmates from Sampson sent a hand-written letter to the U.S. District Court in Greensboro complaining that staff had forced them to perform numerous humiliating acts for the entertainment of guards, including stripping nude and pretending to have sex. The medium-security facility houses about 500 male inmates in Clinton, which is about 60 miles southeast of Raleigh.

The inmates also reported being forced to gulp a super-hot “Exotic Hot Sauce” purchased off the Internet and slather it on their testicles, as well as being forced to grab and kiss wild snakes while working on a road crew and throwing captured bunnies in to oncoming traffic.

Those who performed for the guards were rewarded with preferential work assignments, food, cigarettes and beer, the inmates alleged. Both tobacco and alcohol are banned in North Carolina’s prisons.

In their letter, the inmates ask for the court’s assistance in finding lawyers to help them file a lawsuit against the state and said they feared retaliation from the prison staff.

It is not immediately clear if the inmates have a lawyer.

Walker said the prison system first learned of the allegations through internal grievances filed by the inmates, not from the letter to the court.

Documentary Screening and Panel Discussion at Guilford College: Reflection and Appreciation

A Changing Lens: Exploring Educational Necessity Behind Bars

Documentary Screening and Panel Discussion

Reflecting on the construction and implementation of our efforts

 

(panelists included: Max Kenner, Executive Director of the Bard Prison Initiative, Sean Pica Executive Director of Hudson Link for Higher Education in Prison, Anthony Cardenales, former inmate and graduate of Bard, Dr. Anne Hayes, researcher and professor in VA prisons)

November 2012 marked the year anniversary of my initial and building work towards spearheading

a Higher Education Prison Initiative through Guilford College. Walking into Bryan Jr. Auditorium on

November 8, 2012 to address the educational need for those incarcerated to the Guilford and

surrounding communities seemed surreal. I had spent the previous year tirelessly writing emails,

making phone calls, writing letters and writing proposals to leaders in higher education programs

throughout the country, foundations, administrators, researchers, people incarcerated and their

families, sometimes waiting to no avail for an answer . Other times (and most often )I developed

friendships, encouragement, guidance, advice ,support and collegiality .

The event on November 8 was a product of dedication, collegiality , and heart in our shared vision of

educational opportunity to those incarcerated. Throughout my research and planning efforts I had been

inspired by the people that came to speak on the panel , their resilience and continual efforts great and

small initiating change while advocating for higher education in prisons. And I was overwhelmed with

gratitude for those supporters right here at Guilford that helped to bring those strong voices together in

one place .

The documentary screening gave many of us an insight into the realities of those incarcerated and

undoubtedly the powerful effects of education. At one point , with a heavy and aching heart I looked

around with tears rolling down my cheeks to see the audience reaction to the film. It was inspiring. I

was able to see others recognize the humanity in the persons before them . I could see the challenge

in their eyes they were ready to take to understand and promote a solidarity in this initiative.

The panelists spoke following the documentary on an array of topics structured around prison

pedagogy, program models, sustainability assessment tools, bringing strong background experience

and expertise to enrich and promote our goals.

With resounding testament: one panelist said “our greatest error would be to do nothing, even if it’s just

one class one semester, get in there and do it.” The next day following the panel, there were meetings

with the event’s panelists to discuss further groundwork for the initiative . After hours of strategizing,

questioning and planning the meetings ended with greater support and recognized need than before.

This event has led our efforts to be recognized by crucial supporters in higher education in prison s.

Hence, an excited Executive Director of the North Carolina Department of Corrections wants to meet

with Guilford to strategize implementation of this program.

Furthermore, I received a phone call that Guilford’s name will be in the mouths of funders as an

innovative school in North Carolina that is pushing and striving for valuable educational parity in

correctional institutions.

Nelson Mandela once said, “It always seems impossible until it’s done.”

We are doing it....

A vist from Dr. Rev. Kaia Stern, Executive Director of Harvard Prison Studies Project

In April of 2012 we began to lay the foundation for a movement at Guilford to inform our community of

the realities of prisons and the transformative power and value education has for those incarcerated.

In my research for rallying allies for our efforts at Guilford, I came across an article in the Fellowship

of Reconciliation newsletter titled

Shackles and Sunlight by Dr. Rev Kaia Stern who is also Executive

Director of Harvard’s Prison Studies Project .

As I read her piece, her words spoke to me with such conviction I felt obligated to share the experiences

of her lifetime work within prisons as well as her encouraging “call to action”.

I reached out to Dr. Stern via email and informed her of Guilford ‘s mission . I informed her that I tired

of waiting for a change in one of America’s great institutions of oppression. And a fire was lit towards

our collegiality and friendship.

Dr. Stern came to meet with Guilford administrators and faculty to guide us in our efforts to spearhead

our own program. In a craze of excitement , anxiety and frustration she reminded us through a quote

by Desmond Tutu that “ crumbs of compassion cannot satisfy our hunger for justice” . We must act. We

must fight and keep fighting to dismantle oppression in the name of justice. Dr. Stern then gave a talk

to the Guilford community the following evening .

As she fed our momentum at the previous meeting she did as well in her talk to the community.

Allowing us to visualize a day in the life of a prisoner ,his solitude. . Confined by the limitation s within

his own understanding and society’s indifference. In closing, Dr. Stern challenged us to understand the

effects knowledge has on liberation ; challenged us to dismantle a system of oppression , like a termite

destroys a home...through the inside out. Through education by educating.

Dr. Stern’s visit to Guilford was a momentous step in spearheading our efforts for our Higher Education

in Prison Initiative. I am here , to defend education to those our society has underserved and often

times locked up and thrown away. I am here, working on this initiative because I believe with great

conviction that an excellent education is a basic human right and the “most fundamental method of

social progress.”

Some days it seems like an uphill battle saturated with political cynicism, social apathy and economic

restraints...but I remind myself of the stories, the lives who have touched me , and the lives not only in

need of a second chance but those who never received a chance at all to maximize and nurture their

potential. And I keep pushing, relentlessly...because to those “ we cannot answer ‘Tomorrow’ we must

answer ‘Today’.”